I adopted the “if you can’t say anything nice then don’t say anything at all” policy from being fairly young. I still blurt and occasionally regret it but generally speaking I would consider myself a cheerleader.
It’s the incorporation of this policy that means I’ve been quiet recently. Some people in the dance world have been thoughtless at best and a little cruel at worst and because I can’t find anything good to say about them I’ve chosen not to speak. I’ve not wanted to tell it how it really is because of some seriously misplaced loyalty but surely that’s a two way street right? I’ve also not said anything because I kept hoping these people would realise their mistakes. I think I’ve been expecting far too much. Which leaves me where I am. Sad at best and heartbroken at worst.
A student asked me this week “what even is a blog?” And my reply was “a conversation with nobody”. Not strictly speaking true – I’ve made friends via this blog and been uplifted by the messages I receive clearly someone reads my musings. It’s also been an outlet for me, much like having a conversation with your bestie being able to talk, actually get your words out before someone pounces on you, is invaluable therapy. A blog makes room for that.
As I’ve sat ruminating over the events of the past month, especially the past week, I’ve been frustrated and needed to vent. What better place than here?
What I’ve learned:
1. Know when it’s time to get out of the bath.
A dancer friend of mine mentioned that I’ve been at a class so long my skin has gone wrinkly and it’s time to get out of the bath. I got in the bath, I’ve enjoyed it but now the water is cold and the bubbles have burst. Get out.
2. Know your worth.
A different dancer friend gave me her time when I wanted to quit dancing, in fact I quite fancied just quitting. This woman has come along side me when I can offer her nothing. I’m not close enough to frequent her venues. She’s made me see that my value doesn’t start with a pound sign.
3. If you look to the left you miss what’s right.
A different dancer friend of mine quoted “if you never say ‘no’, what is your ‘yes’ truly worth.” Well that got me between the eyes. I’ve done a lot for a lot of people, I would chose to do most of it again because I want to remain me – it’s a balance I need to work on. I was so thankful for his sage words.
4. Friends appear when acquaintances disappear.
In the last week with the carpet ripped from under my feet the world has felt unbalanced. As I looked down at all the ways the 3 individuals have punched me until I’m black and blue I missed the fact that 7 others have been on the phone, sending me messages or simply holding my hand when all I wanted to do was give up.
In my rage I’ve wished I never entered the dance world, I wished I had never crossed over and I’ve been desperate to be able to cut ties. I’ve asked the very typical “what does it even do for me” and discovered a fair bit.
I could fill this space with how unimportant the people that hurt you are and follow with the pithy sayings of encouragements. I could tell you about all the venues and what to avoid. I’m really tempted in the later. But for every person that’s done something untoward, I have two being my cheerleaders.
I wouldn’t have gotten through this week without my friends. I know more now who those people are. In GOT there’s the idea of “not today” the Christian circle holds to the same value. I won’t be beaten, not today.
On Monday I wore this…
I didn’t know how poignant it was to become.
Here’s hoping next week is better.